Fearless in the Fire

If you are a friend of God,

fire is your water.

You should wish to have

a hundred thousand sets of mothwings,

So you could burn them away,

one set a night.

The moth sees light and goes into the fire.

You should see fire

and go toward light.

Fire is what of God is world-consuming.

~Rumi

Remember the cathartic times in your life and how you were shaped by them. Notice the times you may have "checked out" from the pain, and others where you were fearless in the fire and held on for the blessing.

Since our groups last conversation about finding freedom in exploring our edges, I've been inspired to find myself gravitating toward the more challenging/uncomfortable/out of the ordinary/unknown options. It's those daily victories that are allowing me to notice subtle yet drastic changes in the person I am becoming. I'm learning that the harder decisions and the scarier options (the fire) are where my potential strength can be found. It's all there for me as long as I just move toward it. 


A great example of this is when I moved to Duluth on a whim to help my grandma out after she received heart surgery. I hated the thought of leaving behind the life I had so delicately planned out. This month marks exactly a year ago that I moved here. Duluth at that time was the fire I at first resisted and considered "checking out" from. Now, it has become my sanctuary. It has become the place I found my soul, my spirit, and the blessings of it all. 

Yoga North, School of Yoga Therapy

Since my last post (it's been a while) I've had a lot of transitions happening as well as some major "aha! moments". After  recent discussions with Molly McManus and Ann Maxwell, two of the TT instructors, I've decided to continue training at Yoga North at the 500 level (an additional 300 hours of training after my 200 hours of training).

As an intern at Yoga North, I've been blessed with the opportunity to see the inside workings that make this studio immensely unique from studios around the country. Not only do we offer a 500 level teacher training program, we are also a recognized yoga therapy school and will soon be offering an extended program that certifies students as yoga therapists. 

The health benefits of yoga have increasingly become more acknowledged in western society. IAYT (International Association of Yoga Therapists) is the major leader in making yoga a recognized and accredited therapeutic practice. Yoga North is one of few studios in the entire country that is actually recognized by IAYT as a yoga therapy school and is working closely with IAYT in creating a program that will certify students to be yoga therapists. Students seeking this certification will be required to receive specialized training in order to become certified and practice as a yoga therapist. Only few and certain schools around the country are able to provide this certification.Yoga North will soon be one of few of them.

It's incredibly exciting as a student and intern at Yoga North to not only watch, but to be part of this process.  I still can't believe how this little studio in the little city of Duluth, Minnesota has managed to make it's mark in the world of yoga therapy. It's unbelievably exciting to be a student at Yoga North! 

First Class

This month I was given the opportunity as the Yoga North intern and TT student to teach my first class to a group of UMD college students for a health fair the studio was participating in. After 3 weekends of Teacher Training, I finally felt like a lot of the material sank in when I was able to teach my first class.

As a beginning yoga teacher it was easy to feel like I was needing to put on a performance of sorts. The mat felt like a platform and the unfamiliar faces like a spotlight. Before walking into the class I reminded myself of the discussion Ann Maxwell had with all of us during this months training weekend. Putting on a performance completely takes away from the experience of the students. Leave the ego at the door, and be present with them. Something she even cautioned us about was calling the students,"our" students or "my" students. This is about their experience, not our own. They are their own students.

Ann had also talked to us about the "yoga voice". We knew exactly what voice she was talking about. The calm, relaxing, breath filled voice that any centered and balanced yoga instructor is thought to have. That voice doesn't exist in me and pretending that it does is only doing the entire class a disjustice.

All in all, the first class I taught went surprisingly really well. I was able to let go of the pressure to perform and felt motivated by giving them their own experience like Ann had emphasized. I not only felt prepared, I felt competent which I think says less about me and more about the richness of the Teacher Training program at Yoga North.

Finding My Whole Without My Other Half

Six months ago, I painfully ended a long-term relationship. I realized I needed to stop capping my growth out of fear of outgrowing my partner. Intuitively, I knew I was limiting myself by relying so much on my "other half", but the fear of dramatically shifting things and hurting the person I loved most became paralyzing. Even until now I've doubted my decision and my reasoning for ending things, feeling like it was just one more thing I couldn't finish or follow through on. It has taken a tremendous amount of work for me to see what I did as an act of strength not weakness.

Here I find myself, a person without a person. I always relied on knowing myself with my partner. I was only ever whole when associated with my "other half". So what happens when you lose your "other half"? I'm still finding that out. So far in my search, I've found the obvious. No "other half" can make up my whole and when it does, it's called co-depenency.

The most terrifying and rewarding experience in my life has been learning to rely soley on myself for happiness and fulfillment. Creating the life I wanted really only started happening when I stopped catering to the life of someone else. Separating from my "other half" has allowed me to find the other half that unknowingly existed in myself. That's twice the strength, twice the fierceness, twice the woman I was before. World better watch out.

Blessed are the Lost

The holidays are always a strange time because they force me to reflect on the changes that have happened as the year comes to a close. Every year feels slightly different than the last. The person I am this year doesn't share the same reflection with the person I was last year. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I'm single for the first time in nearly a decade, maybe it has to do with me moving back to the city that I'm madly in love with, or maybe it's as simple as  me being one year older and wiser. Perhaps it's none or all of these things. I don't really know.

The irony of this year is that nothing in my life right now was even on my radar a year ago. This time last year I had imagined by now I would be engaged to my high school sweetheart, living in a suburban condo, clinging to excitement for Thursday and Friday happy hours. It's like I had put my life into a GPS, mapping out precise directions on how to get to my goal focused destinations. Get married, find a successful job, have a kid or 3, buy a house, retire. My itinerary started to become more pressure driven than passion driven which is obvious in that no where in those plans do I see myself. This plan absolutely isn't wrong and works beautifully for a lot of people, it's just that some of us aren't so good with following maps. I realize I happen to be one of them.

Successfully failing to follow my plan for life has turned my detailed map into a mysterious maze. Some days the maze seems spontaneously exciting, other days I desperately miss my map. I must say, in the short amount of time I've been navigating this maze, I've discovered it's the wrong turns and dead ends that have beautifully, and at times disastrously, lead me to the most profound experiences. Letting my life unfold as it may leads to the most bizarre, lovely, and unpredictable places. I've adapted to leading with nothing but curiosity and have accepted  that there's no where to go but to the next turn. Being lost and uncertain can lead to beautiful opportunities for change and growth which truly is what my yoga practice has taught me. There's no destination to be motivated by, simply because no destination exists. Being lost is truly a blessing.

The Ego Conflict

Some days I realize there's an entire world operating inside of me. What I'm learning about this internal world is that there's a dictator running the show, and it's name is ego. Before I start jabbing the ego, I want to say that the ego is a neccessary thing. I just don't need it quite as much as it thinks I do.

The ego is a complex creature that exists in all of us. It is constantly on a power trip, trying to get its power fix anyway it can. It will do everything possible to keep me from feeling vulnerable, embarrassed, or weak. It will convince me that everyone around me is to blame for my issues and sell me on the idea that I'm the victim. It will cleverly talk me out of doing something I passionately want to do out of fear of failure, and It will create a false illusion that my needs, likes, and wants are far more important than everyone elses. My ego needs an intervention.

When I think about it, I've placed a lot of limitations on myself by letting my ego call the shots. Being fearful to things like change, failure, or unfamiliarity puts my ego into overdrive and puts me into park. I've tried paying attention to this these last couple of weeks and have seen a dramatic shift in myself just from being aware of it. I've noticed there's a lot more fluidity in my life when I stop seeking the ego's approval.

Sorry ego, but I think you've just been demoted.

Falling in Love With 19 Strangers

Where did it go? Another weekend of Teacher Training just came and went. Every time we wrap up the weekend on Sunday evening, I feel a sense of separation anxiety knowing the group will have to part until next time. It's amazing how close a group of strangers can get when moving through an intense experience like Teacher Training. We're exposed to each others breakthroughs, vulnerabilities, insecurities, questions, discoveries, and curiosities. Its rare to build this type of relationship this quickly with people under normal circumstances.

Friday night we had a great TT potluck for dinner. This was a potluck full of yogis, so naturally, the food was delicious, full of flavor, and healthier than a plate of leaves (typical). We sat around catching up like it was a family reunion. It's weird to think I had only just met these people a month ago.

I love these weekends not just because I love what I'm learning, but because I love being with the group. I wouldn't get what I'm getting out of this training be it not with these other students. Their involvement, support, and encouragement is crucial for my growth and learning. We may live completely different lives outside of this experience, but when we're together in the studio, it feels like we're one and the same. What a blessing.